Electrical Schizophrenia......

......was in my blood. Ever since my youth. Hated working with electricity. Hubs here again.....and when I was five, my Dad had me lick the contacts of a 9-volt battery to feel the weird sensation on my tongue...I'm still not a fan. Ever seen the "The Muppet Movie"? Some evil doctor guy puts some kind of brain-sucking helmet on Kermit and juices him with electricity that makes his eyes glow yellow....it's horrible.

My wiring knowledge basically stemmed from a line in a Boy Scout Skit I saw at a Scout camp, where a scout yelled in Cheerleader fashion POSITIVE! NEGATIVE! PUT'EM TOGETHER- POW!

Fast forward 14 years....time to play electrician. Took out the main light in the kitchen (it was old and well....rather grimy lookin'), and this is what greets me:

Ahem, .....Ladies and Gentleman, I give you the Devil's 110 Volt Toenails:

Felt like throwing something and yelling something and cryin' my eyeballs out. Might scare the girls though. But seriously...try and tell me which wire is Black and which wire is White??? With like FOUR Wires instead of two???

Thus, my disorder.

*Schizophrenia is a mental disorder that makes it difficult to tell the difference between real and unreal experiences (Find a happy place, sing a happy song, they're not real......Dang it they are!), to think logically (ain't nothin' logical about that pic....one bit), to have normal emotional responses (throwing/yelling something, cryin' my eyeballs out), and to behave normally in social situations (Boy what a pickup line that would make - "I think my house is infected with the Devil's toenails and I think they're trying to zap me").... *www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmedhealth/PMH0001925

Well, no turning back. I studied Google (which knows all), studied all diagrams with the light switches and outlets we bought. Shut off any spark of voltage even close to the kitchen. Might have prayed a tiny bit. Got my paper envelope schematics I'd made (I am a technical prodigy). And ventured to the Attic.

Not a favorite place of mine. Full of insulation (Evil Pillow Feathers) that itch, and unless you're wearing a mask you're going to breathe something that will make you wish for exhaust fumes. Really tight spaces too....I'm a bit Claustrobic. With Electrical Schizophrenia. Get me a Shrink Vacation Please?

I get done with my prayerful guesswork and warn the wife. "Hun, I'm turning the breaker on again, just watch and listen for any cracklin', melting wires, sparks flyin', and smell for smoke." I am so confident.

**after picture to follow with our kitchen reveal. 

To my grand amazement, I flip the switch on the breaker, and nothing. Nothing? Really? Nothing. Not one sizzle. I flip the switch for our makeshift light.....and WHAMMO!! It's glowing a beautiful halogenic soft white. My heart wipes tears of joy and my nerves are doing grand finale fireworks. Seriously? The first try? Yep. That's how it rolls here. Sometimes. I'm fairly well cured. And I clipped the Devil's toenails.